Going back to school after a vacation can be difficult and parents who are looking to lessen the pushback can take steps to help their child develop independence, an understanding of expectations and grace and courtesy.
Children in Montessori’s First Plane of Development (ages 0–6) benefit from continuous structure and schedule. School breaks provide novel stimulation and a vacation from routine, which realistically cannot be maintained. Many adults would love to stay in their vacations; exotic warm climates, snorkeling, or hiking throughout the days, who wouldn’t? But adults have fully developed brains and understand the need to return to structure, at least the financial need. Children on the other hand, especially young children for whom most experiences are novel based on their short time living, don’t have fully developed logic centers. They live in the now and are id/ego centric (without the benefit of a super ego or the knowledge that most people can’t stay on vacation forever). Coming back to school after any break has the potential to cause some friction for a child. It can lead to crying, whining, and misbehavior not previously exhibited, especially during drop-off.
Nurturing independence in words
To help aid in long-term development, and keep children from learned helplessness behavior, we actively ask children to engage us with their words, and for consistency all adults who interact with children should do the same. Children who are capable of talking should be able to express their needs verbally without regressing to a younger developmental stage of whining/crying, slapping/grabbing or pointing to get what they want. “Once the child can speak, he can express himself and no longer depends on others to guess his needs. He finds himself in touch with human society, for people can only communicate by means of language.….So man develops by stages, and the freedom he enjoys comes from these steps towards independence taken in turn…Truly it is nature which affords the child the opportunity to grow; it is nature which bestows independence upon him and guides him to success in achieving his freedom.” (The Absorbent Mind, p.78)
Habit forms character
Changes in behavior can become part of a child’s character when there is a consistent response to their behavioral stimuli (eg: a child cries and gets what they want, they innately learn that crying gets them what they want). This is vastly different than an older child who understands manipulation techniques.
Crying is a survival tool that all infants have at birth, which should diminish over time as the child develops intellectually, and independently to handle their own needs or make requests in a more developed way. As the psychiatrist and educator Rudolph Dreikurs wrote, “A dependent child is a demanding child.” Through the independence of communication a child can be liberated from demanding actions and instead engage requests through conversation.
Nurturing independence in action
Functional independence is one of the main goals of a Montessori classroom. Children are requested to clean up after themselves, and handle their own needs when developmentally appropriate. All of the children(ages 1–5) in our class are capable of handling their own needs. They can retrieve snack for themselves, clean up after themselves, choose work, and dress themselves. These actions not only aid in physical development, but more importantly in the development of self-esteem and will power. Montessorians are guided by the adage, “Never help a child with a task at which they feel they can succeed.” When an adult continually steps in to “rescue” a child they are robbing that child of that “I did it!” moment. That special feeling of accomplishment and success is the basis for intrinsic motivation. Adults who “do for” are also leaving the child with the unspoken message that the child is not capable, that someone else can do things for the child faster, better and with fewer mistakes. It is these small moments that undermine a child’s psychological, as well as physical, development.
Nurturing self-esteem
We have witnessed the crestfallen look on a child’s face that a parent misses while they are bent over putting shoes on “the correct feet” instead of giving the child time to figure it out on their own. As adults we need to let go of our own concerns about our worth being tied to our child’s appearance in self-dressing. I would much rather see a child with shoes on the wrong feet or pants on inside out, who is smiling because they accomplished the task of self dressing, than a child who is insolent, or indolent, because they are never allowed to experience accomplishments and setbacks for themselves. Its okay adults, we know you figured out how to put on and tie shoes, now just step back and let your child figure it out for themselves. Never forget, first and foremost, children learn by doing, “The child can only develop fully by means of experience in his environment. We call such experience ‘work’.” (The Absorbent Mind, Chapter 7, p. 88). Yes, learning is an effort, and for the child who is new to the world, it is a monumental effort. It is uncomfortable for adults to watch children struggle or get frustrated as they attempt to get a foot in a shoe. It can be nerve wracking to attempt to have patience while a child struggles to turn a sleeve right-side out when we know our adult hands can do it in a flash. It is in these moments that our job as an adult is to be patient and most of all remain silent because even well meaning words can undermine a child’s efforts and resiliency.
Nurturing self-control and will
While we should attempt to put no limits on our patience and our child’s efforts, our classroom is also guided by boundaries (limits on liberty). If a child is allowed to continually push the boundaries and not follow the rules (eg: if the adult steps in to clean up after the child) the adult risks undermining the child’s ability to choose to do something with conscious intent. Will and self-control develop slowly through practice and under the compassionate guidance of an adult. In our classroom one of our boundaries is clean up. It is an area with expected compliance. Compliance does not come from cajoling, threats or bribery, it is nurtured through positive phrasing, and encouragement most importantly it is coupled with the adult’s own dedication to upholding the limit and having patience.
An example would be lunch cleanup. Often there is one last child at the lunch table who has not cleaned up. When told lunch is over and it is time to clean up, they stare off or say “No.” In these moments, and any like these, we simply and calmly restate the expectation, and offer a choice “Would you like to start with the plate or the napkin?” If there is still no positive response, then we reaffirm the expectation, “We clean up after ourselves. I will wait for you right here, we aren’t going to do anything else until your place is clean.” After several moments we find most children clean up their things. This technique is aligned to allowing natural consequences to help guide a child’s behavior.
We have found it can also be helpful to state, “I’m going to help you clean up now” and hold the child’s hand while you clean up, or gently help them with a hand over hand demonstration of how to clean up. Self-sufficiency is a key component to a child’s development and overall success in life. Life is a continuum of mastering new skills and learning new things. Each moment during early childhood is precious because it sets the child up for either future success or future failure. Every time an adult does something for a child, or lowers expectations for a child, they are hindering the child’s own development and pushing mastery off to another time at best, or never at worst. “The child has to acquire physical independence by being self-sufficient; the child’s development follows a path of successive stages of independence.” (The Absorbent Mind, p. 257)
Quick Tips for Montessori at Home:
- Let go and let them do.
- Uphold boundaries.
- Find ways to include you child in decisions.
- Practice patience and silence.